rejection

The Pleasure of Saying No

Saying no to a dance is a special kind of art/torture.

You might go to any number of great lengths to avoid someone’s eyes contact only to accidentally run into them by the bathroom and face the “hey! I have been wanting to dance with you!” Now what?

Sometimes there is just enough momentum in your walk that you can brush past them while giving your best smile and an “oh how nice to see you!” Never actually saying no to the dance but not saying yes either.

“Whew, that was a close one,” you might think.

But you know that at some point you will be out of options as they walk up to your table with their hand outstretched, confident grin on their face. And you will have to either accept the offer and with a barbie fake smile politely walk onto the dance floor while seething inside (been there). OR You will have to reject their invitation and watch them walk away sulking, perhaps never to speak with you again (done that).

“Between a rock and a hard place.” Isn’t that the saying?

Both options suck but which is the lesser of two evils?

If you agree to a dance you know you are not going to enjoy you are signing up for 10-12 minutes of torture of various degrees. Sometimes it is light torture like bad breath or too much sweat. Other times it is more dramatic and involves physical pain. Why would anyone say yes to that? Well, perhaps it is a friend of yours, perhaps it is a beginner you want to help, perhaps it is someone you used to like dancing with but not anymore and you don’t know how to say no to them without hurting their feelings. So you agree to deal with and endure a short period of hell in exchange for helping someone else or maintaining a friendship or protecting someone’s feelings.

If you reject someone’s invitation you are potentially hurting their feelings forever and they will never ask you to dance again, maybe they will even think that you are a snob. You are also potentially signing up to sit for the next 10-12 minutes and watch everyone else dance. Sometimes that’s ok because you might be engaged in a conversation with someone, or maybe it’s time for a bathroom break, maybe it’s time for a smoke. There are other times you sit disappointed, wilting inside at the thought that the people you want to dance with don’t seem to have any interest in you, and you are getting passed over even though you might be the more experienced dancer.

Either way you are confronted with facing a uniquely personal form of hell, either solo or with someone else so the question becomes, which is the lesser hell?

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Personally, I have decided a few years ago to err on the side of the solo hell - no matter how much disappointment I might feel at not getting a dance, at least my body is in one piece and I smell nice. At first it felt daring and even inappropriate to reject a dance but with time I actually came to enjoy it, polishing my body language, tone of voice, facial expression (how would Sophia Loren say no? How would Marilyn Monroe say no?)

I imagine that I am being offered a dessert at a restaurant, but I am too full. “Not right now, thank you though.” Direct eye contact. A big smile.

Simple. Direct. Efficient.

Saying no can actually be a kindness to the other person because you are being honest. Saying no has a lot less to do with rejecting someone and much more with curating your experience, showing what you want and refusing what I don’t want. By saying no you free the other person to find another partner who might be a lot more excited to dance with them and you also keep yourself available for what you actually want.